When Your Emotions Lie.

We just finished up our third week of school. Although we had started a couple of weeks ago this was our first week where we included all of the subjects. I wanted to start off slow so that we could get adjusted to school at home and we could all get a feel for how things were going to go. Our first week we worked on Math and Language Arts, last week we added Science and this week we went all out. I loved the transition and think that this is an approach we would take again. After having a busy summer it was a great way to ease into a more structured routine. We've had some great times with Art already from molding clay to just using plain old water colors to illustrate a narration. We've also had the opportunity to spend the day at a farm, play in the mud, explore, fish and the boys have even gotten a couple of rounds of golf in with Daddy and Papa. I think we're off to a good start… And you know, its funny that I say that and that earlier this week I was feeling confident and great about the progress we've already made. I had a couple of really good conversations with some folks about how the transition was going for us and feeling less intimidated by the idea of "explaining" our new choice to people. Then out of the blue, it hit me. It was strange because it was almost as if I felt the switch go off, I feel the energy drain and suddenly I was overcome with anxiety that we weren't doing enough. I had been going through a conversation I had with someone in my head, I was replaying some of the things I had shared and then I started to question myself. Many of the fears that I had experienced before making the decision to homeschool came flooding back- what if I'm doing it wrong, is it possible that they are actually picking up and understanding the things that we are talking about, do I need to include more "busy work", are they enjoying this so much because this is just too easy and therefore not effective and like "real" school? I sat in it for awhile. I got on my phone and started searching and looking for ideas and then I remembered. I thought back to a couple of key verses that I felt like God had given me when we had been praying about our decision. One of them was Isaiah 41:13 For I the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, "Fear not, I am the one who helps you." I reminded myself that I can't rely on my feelings, sometimes they lie to us. It's my job to evaluate, its ok if its not perfect (it won't ever be), its ok if we have to make changes, no one else is going to be more concerned about the education of my children than I (and Rob of course) will be. I also remembered that in the book Educating the Wholehearted Child by Clay Clarkson he mentions that "Your influence in your children's lives is not derived from how smart you are, but rather from how committed you are to becoming all that you need to be in order to help them become all that God wants them to be." It's been a day or two and although I still feel the waves of uneasiness I am reminded that God promises to be with us during this journey. We are not doing this alone and Christ is holding my hand. I'm certainly thankful for that and ready to move into next week with a renewed perspective.

a flask of olive oil.

2 Kings 4:1-7

So many times we focus on what we don't have. But the truth is that we always have something to give, offer, bring. This story is about this widow who had creditors after her, threatnening to take her sons as slaves. All she had was a flask of olive oil- but even this was something, even this was more than enough. Because when divided into jars she had enough of them to sell and pay off her debt.
May I always be resourceful with what I have. May I focus on what I do have, what I can offer and see how that multiplies and is more than enough. And isn't this what God is all about? Our relationship with him. We don't have anything to offer this great God, nothing but ourselves. But that is all He wants, just me, just you.

The Standard.

As women, we often put alot of pressure on ourselves. There are many shoes that we need to fill and we obviously want to do them well. Time and time again I find that I am so hard on myself. I cut everyone slack, understand that people have alot on their plate, allow room for improvement or mistakes but don't allow myself the same. I look around and compare myself to others and see how I need to change. Today I found myself thinking to whom I was comparing myself to.What or whom am I measuring myself against and where am I getting these [sometimes ridiculous] ideas.
This year I am taking the risk. Letting go of preconcieved notions of who I think i'm supposed to be and simply becoming. Doing things I want to do but normally wouldn't because of what someone might think or say. Does that sounds wrong or selfish? Bummer for you cause here I come :)

Perspective.

It's a funny thing, perspective. Have you ever thought that you had it all figured out until for some reason you saw things from a different angle and it completely changed the way you felt?

I am trying to become better about seeing things from a different perspective. I tend to overthink (& sometimes over complicate) the simplest of matters. I look and worry too far into the future or about things that are beyond my control and will often miss the beauty of what lies right in front of me. Many times I am so concerned with what is missing, how it could be better, what needs to change, why it doesn't work (geez sounds awful negative) that I'm not being thankful, joyful, present.

I am ready to start living differently. To be at peace with where I am and appreciate the small things that are so easily overlooked everyday. I don't want to miss out (on my family, the gifts God has already given me) on my life because of my perspective. Because the truth is that the way we see things determines the way we respond to them, determines the way we live. And I want to enjoy and live fully this life I have been gifted.

today.

As I was taking a minute to thank God for my baby boys, I had a light bulb moment of sorts. I am so thankful for their sweet, innocent love. A love that does not hold grudges, that forgives easily, a love that is free and untarnished. That even on those days that I mess up, yell, am impatient and tired- they still come back to me. They still look at me with the same sweet eyes and do not hold back their love and tender kisses.

And what exactly was the light bulb? That THIS is the way that God loves me. That even on days when I don't take the time to thank him, that I am stubborn, angry, selfish, feel too tired, He still loves me. Just the way I am.

I Corinthians 13:4-7: Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ⁵ or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ⁶ It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. ⁷ Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

14.

I love this man. This year we will have been together for 14 years and will celebrate our 8 year wedding anniversary.
Wouldn't have it any other way. Look forward to growing old with him.

do you ever?

Do you ever just feel the need for change? Anxious for something more? Ready for change but not sure where to start? Let me back up by saying that I am happy with my life. I am grateful, thankful for a beautiful, healthy family. An awesome, hardworking husband, a home, a job, a great church. It has nothing to do with that. Actually, I'm not looking for change of location (Lord knows this!) or a change of circumstance. I'm looking for inward change, personal change, Ileana change. Maybe change is not even the correct word...

Most moms would understand. I am young wife and mother that has been devoting my life to my family. I pour everything that I am and have into them. Often I find that I neglect myself, the things that I need or want for them. I am not angry or bitter about this, just realizing that I would be so much better if I spent time on myself. Figuring out what I love, cultivating interests, getting fed and re-fueled. What does this mean? What does this look like for me? These are the questions that I am facing right now.