When Your Emotions Lie.

We just finished up our third week of school. Although we had started a couple of weeks ago this was our first week where we included all of the subjects. I wanted to start off slow so that we could get adjusted to school at home and we could all get a feel for how things were going to go. Our first week we worked on Math and Language Arts, last week we added Science and this week we went all out. I loved the transition and think that this is an approach we would take again. After having a busy summer it was a great way to ease into a more structured routine. We've had some great times with Art already from molding clay to just using plain old water colors to illustrate a narration. We've also had the opportunity to spend the day at a farm, play in the mud, explore, fish and the boys have even gotten a couple of rounds of golf in with Daddy and Papa. I think we're off to a good start… And you know, its funny that I say that and that earlier this week I was feeling confident and great about the progress we've already made. I had a couple of really good conversations with some folks about how the transition was going for us and feeling less intimidated by the idea of "explaining" our new choice to people. Then out of the blue, it hit me. It was strange because it was almost as if I felt the switch go off, I feel the energy drain and suddenly I was overcome with anxiety that we weren't doing enough. I had been going through a conversation I had with someone in my head, I was replaying some of the things I had shared and then I started to question myself. Many of the fears that I had experienced before making the decision to homeschool came flooding back- what if I'm doing it wrong, is it possible that they are actually picking up and understanding the things that we are talking about, do I need to include more "busy work", are they enjoying this so much because this is just too easy and therefore not effective and like "real" school? I sat in it for awhile. I got on my phone and started searching and looking for ideas and then I remembered. I thought back to a couple of key verses that I felt like God had given me when we had been praying about our decision. One of them was Isaiah 41:13 For I the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, "Fear not, I am the one who helps you." I reminded myself that I can't rely on my feelings, sometimes they lie to us. It's my job to evaluate, its ok if its not perfect (it won't ever be), its ok if we have to make changes, no one else is going to be more concerned about the education of my children than I (and Rob of course) will be. I also remembered that in the book Educating the Wholehearted Child by Clay Clarkson he mentions that "Your influence in your children's lives is not derived from how smart you are, but rather from how committed you are to becoming all that you need to be in order to help them become all that God wants them to be." It's been a day or two and although I still feel the waves of uneasiness I am reminded that God promises to be with us during this journey. We are not doing this alone and Christ is holding my hand. I'm certainly thankful for that and ready to move into next week with a renewed perspective.

Changes.

A couple of things have changed since the last time I actually blogged on here. I won't bother with reasons or excuses why i've been MIA… But one of our more recent changes here in our family had a couple of people mentioning that I should blog and share about our experience through this. At the very least it'll provide a place where I can jot down some memories or things I may otherwise forget! Here it goes.

So we did it. After thinking about it and praying on it for quite some time we decided to go ahead and pull the boys from public school and start homeschooling. This wasn't an easy decision for us, particularly for me. Once I had really confirmed the desire to do it, it was difficult for me to move past the fear and anxiety and the weight of it. If you know me at all you know that I struggle with imagining all of the worst case scenarios. I think that I also had a lot of the concerns that most people would have: what if I hate it? what if they hate it? can I really be around my kids all day long? I mean, am I even qualified to do this?! If I'm completely honest probably one of my biggest worries in our decision to do this was how I would explain it to people. What would I say to people when they asked what teachers the boys got for the new year? What if someone was really rude? What if I didn't have the right answer when someone asked me why or how? Here's the thing though- making the decision, actually say "Yes, I want to do this" was the hardest part! Once I said yes, much of the anxiety dissipated. Yes, I still had anxiety, yes I absolutely still worried, but it was different. And now here we are- three weeks in and we are doing it. We are doing it! Every day has been a little bit different, we've experienced quite a plethora of emotions in these three short weeks and I may have already questioned my sanity once (seriously, just once!), I  know there will be bumps, I know that this is one of the hardest things I will ever do, I know there will be days where we love it, others where we don't but isn't that just a part of life anyway? So this morning as many of my friends and loved ones posted the first day of school pictures, I sat on the couch with my babies and we did our history reading. I thanked God that he gave me the courage to say yes and that I have the opportunity to do this right now. Because all I have is right now and today I want to try my best to live with few regrets.